Do i get what i want or do i want what i get

Spending the whole afternoon/night in bed listening to what people may refer as "depro music". I mean why is it depro?! Cause I am single and listening to love songs ?! Well maybe I like it. Or maybe the fact that it is almost the end of the year make me think about my year, my life. What have I accomplished?! I am by far not the smartest, the more fun or artistic person around. I never got published (and probably never will be), I am not the nicest or the sexiest. I can manage to get or keep a men or a general group of friends (they or I get bored).

I watched one of those chicks flicks (how typical of me) and I realised that I was doing the same thing as the girl in the movie, and that dude was right. If a guy really wants you, he will make it happen. So why do I waste my precious time day& night dreaming about the first random. I obviously stop believing in true love and Prince Charming a long time ago. But for some reason I can't stop myself to believe that I can also have that stupid happy ending (in which I obviously don't believe in anymore). But while looking for this non existent happiness I walk pass real joy thinking that something else will come along. And what if that was the plan, him and nothing else. And I am leaving hanging cause I want more. Or maybe I want less, less sweety pie and rainbows and more of “hurt me without realising it”. They said it, the nice guy finishes last, it is like a rule of life.. Girls are stupid and want the adventure, the “dangerous guy” making ourselves believe that we will “change him” or that “he is different when he is with us”... I'm sure that in a parallel universe all of that is very true, not here ! We know that is it not healthy for us, but just like the smoker who keeps on smoking we just can't help it.

I personally saw a guy reciting is play, I knew it was all part of the game, and instead of walking away I just stayed and now I am waiting for... I don't really know what I am waiting for exactly. Four months ago, I had plans, I knew what I was here for, what I wanted. And then life just happened, I made the same mistakes as before, thinking that this time “it would be different” well it wasn't. I even think that this time it's worst, “once it's a mistake, twice you're stupid” right?! Well I guess I am just a stupid girl. Somewhere between the song by Pink and the desire to be part of somewhere like “somewhere only we know” by Kean or “i'll take you there” by Snow patrol. I know that a song like “Loving you” by Minnie Riperton would be a better definition of love, maybe that's what I am waiting for. The one that doesn't want to go “somewhere only we know” but somewhere everybody will know. Someone I could show around and say “Yep, that's mine”.

Now that I know what I want, sorry I meant that I think I know what I want, what should I do? Wait for the “someone” to randomly fall like the rain in the Eastern cape of South Africa and find the one that I want or should I go to the one who wants me and make him the one I want.