Saturday, November 5, 2011

Maybe what I need to be in my life is a big fat sunflower...

I always consider myself as a person that as no talent at all. I just got use to the fact that I am not amazingly good at something, I even sometime say as a kind of joke that my only talent is to have no talent at all, or no passion. I guess that's why I always surround myself with so many poet, dancers, painters... artists. I kind of see in them the talent that I wish I had. Even sometime I feel that some of them are expressing through their art the words and the image that I cannot express, those that are stuck in my head cause I am just incapable of getting them out.

Cause she puts a philosophical
 smile on my face (if there's such 
a thing)..
These year was beautiful for me because I met so many different characters, weird drama kids, people with real passions, poets... I think that writers are the one I admire the most, being able to take those feelings and turn them into words is a real talent. My friend Tarryn (Tazzie my Spazzy) have said in her latest article that people don't ask themselves who they are anymore. I think people don't question who they want to be anymore. I think we accept too easily, and we judge too easily. It's so strange living in your own head”.. I guess that's what I have been doing for too long now. I complain a lot about not having a talent, but really is a talent only something you are naturally good at or can we just make ourselves good at something by working hard on it.
It's exams time, so I don't really see people anymore, and I have been living in a parallel world in my head where roses are red and violet are blue. In her words, you start defining who you are by the presence of others” I need to stop talking about what I am not compare too everyone else, and maybe start appreciating the fact that I can learn from them and start learning. 


Maybe what I need to be in my life is a big fat sunflower. Yes a sunflower, no complaining, no crying just me saying what I need to say and doing what I need to do, smiling when the sun is shining... I'm taking out all my so called problems, taking the positive way. And I'll try to make the world a better place until the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. I'll be one part of a group of more than 6billion but still somehow special [...]

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Do i get what i want or do i want what i get

Spending the whole afternoon/night in bed listening to what people may refer as "depro music". I mean why is it depro?! Cause I am single and listening to love songs ?! Well maybe I like it. Or maybe the fact that it is almost the end of the year make me think about my year, my life. What have I accomplished?! I am by far not the smartest, the more fun or artistic person around. I never got published (and probably never will be), I am not the nicest or the sexiest. I can manage to get or keep a men or a general group of friends (they or I get bored).


I watched one of those chicks flicks (how typical of me) and I realised that I was doing the same thing as the girl in the movie, and that dude was right. If a guy really wants you, he will make it happen. So why do I waste my precious time day& night dreaming about the first random. I obviously stop believing in true love and Prince Charming a long time ago. But for some reason I can't stop myself to believe that I can also have that stupid happy ending (in which I obviously don't believe in anymore). But while looking for this non existent happiness I walk pass real joy thinking that something else will come along. And what if that was the plan, him and nothing else. And I am leaving hanging cause I want more. Or maybe I want less, less sweety pie and rainbows and more of “hurt me without realising it”. They said it, the nice guy finishes last, it is like a rule of life.. Girls are stupid and want the adventure, the “dangerous guy” making ourselves believe that we will “change him” or that “he is different when he is with us”... I'm sure that in a parallel universe all of that is very true, not here ! We know that is it not healthy for us, but just like the smoker who keeps on smoking we just can't help it.


I personally saw a guy reciting is play, I knew it was all part of the game, and instead of walking away I just stayed and now I am waiting for... I don't really know what I am waiting for exactly. Four months ago, I had plans, I knew what I was here for, what I wanted. And then life just happened, I made the same mistakes as before, thinking that this time “it would be different” well it wasn't. I even think that this time it's worst, “once it's a mistake, twice you're stupid” right?! Well I guess I am just a stupid girl. Somewhere between the song by Pink and the desire to be part of somewhere like “somewhere only we know” by Kean or “i'll take you there” by Snow patrol. I know that a song like “Loving you” by Minnie Riperton would be a better definition of love, maybe that's what I am waiting for. The one that doesn't want to go “somewhere only we know” but somewhere everybody will know. Someone I could show around and say “Yep, that's mine”.

Now that I know what I want, sorry I meant that I think I know what I want, what should I do? Wait for the “someone” to randomly fall like the rain in the Eastern cape of South Africa and find the one that I want or should I go to the one who wants me and make him the one I want.